Looking back

Somehow, i feel like i have not change a single bit. i feel the DNA in me is the same. Lazy, shy, introverted, still afraid of rejection. Has the Lord changes me? I feel like over the years, it's more of the application that i try to apply into my life, but the build up nature in me, is still the same. I find that in every stage of life, there is always something that can hold me back, a fear, fear of inadequacy, fear of death, fear of contamination, basically, fear of the fear. I always like to spilt my life into two parts, before 2013 and after 2013. 2013 is the year when my health breakout, due to bad habit build up over the years, i found my body broke down, hairs loss, body changes. This experience literally broke me up, fear set in, into my life, i'm not longer invincable, im not longer a superman. i'm not longer that someone that won't breakdown. i try, i have tried to move on after 2013, it's took me a long while to put myself back to pieces, and move again. It is tiring, almost every single day i'm late for my work due to my poor health, unable to wake up early in the morning. Inevitably, it has affected my career standing, my studies, everything. In the pursue to get back my health, i realised that people don't go things in depth enough, always lingering in the surface, hence that taught me to always go deep, to find out more. Unnecessarily, the deeper we go, sometimes the deeper we fear. I'm still a Christian, it's just that i find that fairytales don't work in my life. I'm more of a hardwork person, that need to work 10x harder, to change my circumstances or situation. I'm actually quite over with the fairyworks of God. I also find that I always fall below expectation, below expectation of the world, below expectation to seek for love, to seek for casual sex, to seek for whatever you call it. The world has expectations, sometimes the outlook of the person is so important. Maybe a good looking person equate to someone who is not lazy? always keeping thier diet at watch, and hence they deserves more. But I'm heading that direction to get my life back. I want to be alpha, i don't want to lose out to other people, i want to be able to experience good sex, attractive girls etc. I'm kinda lose in the world of mine, not able to get the things i want really frustrates me. i need to work hard like the world does, in order to achieve. A guy that manages to exploit the soft spot of girls will continue to exploit. Those that can get girls will continue to not get them. Its a bit like, pretty girls are like the premium goods in the market, even if i can get them, i won't teach you the way to get them. Yet faced with another fear currently, but i just don't feel like writing in out. But i'm confident that this fear that i'm facing is not a matter of concern. My white hairs are all coming out because of these life stresses. sometimes, i just get into shit over and over again. but im done with wanting to reset my life. i fear of the things in life. Things that relates to social rejection, i fear them greatly. Anyway, plasticity, i guess i'm done with wanting to control what are the things that comes to my life so much. but more getting the things i want. To live a good life, adult-rich life, it actually consist a lot of things. Contentment will comes in when things are in places. When things are not in places, that's passive living to me. i'm not giving up to wanting to experience a good sex with attractive girl. End.

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23 MAY 2016, Monday!

Great day, We shout to the Lord.

May His Grace be forever be with us through every single day that we live.

May the zest and energy of life falls on me, set to influence people from my heart, touch people from my soul.

Thank you Lord for today, A great meet up with Sze Yi and his friend, May you bless them abundantly and guide them through every steps that they take.

My Lord, My Father, My prayer today is that you show me how to live like a Christian, I want to live under your protection and grace, at the same time, having the strength to overcome any adversity and having the joy of life every single day. I want to live each day with you. I want to live struggle-free. Teach me and show me Lord, so that I can live and be a influence. I want to experience your love once again, living under your armor of protection, at the same time, achieving life every single life.

Thank you Father I pray, My kids and my family is gonna live under your glory Lord.

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Visitation, 2nd time

Dear God.

Thank you Father. Visitation is fun, recharging and restoring. thank you for this wonderful experience, Set the fire in me to reach out for you, the genuine heart to reach out. to send the good news.

Thank you.

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Dear God,

For the shortest period of time, I will need to spend this time with you. A confession that I want to make to you. Saddest things that hit me, is the constants fall that I had made, this inability to put on a shield against it. The time is tough, fresh and blood, I will choose you. Groom me Lord, into a better person, grow me Lord, into your mightly. Many love, but how many does his Will? I will, I will. Let me take on that stripes and carry them through this journey that I walk. I want to show you with action that I can. No move just words but deed. I will take on your righteousness and wear them daily. Thank you ABBA

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Christmas is coming!

Christmas is coming, it's my favourite festive season of the year! The is the time to give thanks to people around you. Appreciate them for their being, and love them by giving. I have a few people in mind, who really help me along my way, will us this opportunity to thank them for their guidance and presence.

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Living life

Life is amazing, in its own way. Different people see it in a different light. I see it as experiencing. The world is so big, the things we are able to see with our eyes is far more than what we are able to imagine. I want to live a life full of wonderful encounters. The world is so big that the things we are able to see and touch is still unknown. Life is more than just living the cycle of studying and working. It exploring what's that in the world. Mainstreams don't hit me well, dead theory doesn't get me moving. People, get me excited, makes me energized. It's all about living a life without boundary for me. I'm trying. Happy and fulfilled.

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Start moving!

Somehow or rather, when I see people of my age progressing rather well in life. I really envy them. Having to experience stuff that are considering really fun to me. I have a heart, that drives to having success. Able to see myself being really capable and experience life. Seem like I'm always in this cycle, not being able to get out of it. What I only know is, changes has to start from me. Life is made up of choices. Choices that we made, makes things happen. Picturing is really not enough. Got to really experience it. Expand my circle, venture out. Start working on my fitness. Beat all my laziness. Start to stand strong, and not afraid of people because I'm physical weak. 

Work hard on fitness. My first mission is to pass ippt asap. Laziness is also a habit that I must beat it. I will be able to beat it if I keep going again it, day by day. This will built determination! 

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